Context: Emma W. a high-achieving 17 year old wishes to apply to a Russell Group University to study mathematics.
She got in touch with our team here at Pain Free and submitted a first draft of her personal statement for review.
Emma’s Draft:
OPENING PARAGRAPH
At a glance, the world of maths can seem disconnected from everyday life, however my study of the subject has shown me how maths is the underlying foundation of almost all aspects of ancient and modern life. From the precise measurements used by the ancient romans in the construction of aqueducts, to the use of optimisation to reduce waste packaging in products whilst keeping the size and volume constant, as the world continues to rapidly change in unforeseen ways, the use of mathematics to adapt to these changes is more crucial than ever.
Strengths
Clear sense of engagement with subject
Appreciation of the importance of mathematics over time
Evidences this through reference to roman aqueducts and packaging optimisation
Weaknesses:
In her opening paragraph, Emma does not indicate which course she is applying for, suggesting a lack of purpose
Structurally, the sentences are too long, conveying a vagueness which is the opposite of crisp mathematical thinking.
The approach we use at Pain Free Personal Statements to support this candidate
As an integral part of our service, we offer an initial 30 minute consultation via Google Meet.
Although we are based in the UK, we deal with clients from all over the world, so the meeting time will be at a time that suits you, first and foremost.
Emma will receive a marked up version of her first draft in advance of the consultation.
Sample Marked Up Opening Paragraph
To illustrate the service that our consultants provide, we have provided an extract of the marked up opening paragraph
At a glance, the world of maths can seem disconnected from everyday life[PFPS:WHY?] however my study of the subject has shown me how maths is the underlying foundation of almost all aspects of ancient and modern life. From the precise measurements used by the Ancient Romans in the construction of aqueducts, to the use of optimisation to reduce waste packaging in products whilst keeping the size and volume constant, [PFPS: X sentence is overly long and unwieldy] as the world continues to rapidly change in unforeseen ways, the use of mathematics to adapt to these changes is more crucial than ever. [PFPS: What are you applying for ? and why ?]
As a client, Emma’s entire statement will be reviewed in this way. She will receive individualised support to craft the statement which is truly reflective of her ability and ambition.
Remember, we offer a 100% FREE NO OBLIGATION REVIEW CALL.
